Neu DictionaryThe Judgement
At a loss for words? The Neu Dictionary is here to define your favorite unclassified minutia. This week we're talking about threesomes, with acute specificity.
NOUN /ðə ˈʤəʤ.mɪnt ʌv peɹz/
– leaving the room to allow a couple to decide on threesome tactics
From the Judgment of Paris, a tale from Greek mythology where three goddesses approach Paris hoping to be fair enough to be awarded a golden apple.
Full definition of the word
You’ve met a hot couple, they’re both giving you the eyes and you’ve done your best to split the usual awkward smalltalk between the two of them equally. Back at their place for a drink, nothing seems to progress. Every awkward pause turns into a “so...” and something about your work. What happened to the grinning duo who lured you back to their lair? Finally you realize, they can’t have this conversation in front of you! You make an excuse to duck into the washroom for a moment, and they make their final threesome decision privately, like a panel of judges on a reality show. This is the Judgment of Pairs. And like its mythical Greek counterpart, it generally ends with a Trojan war.
“I’ve always caught those two looking at me... I take a trip to the kitchen and lo and behold, they’re all over me five minutes later. Judgment of Pairs works every time.”
“We weren’t trying to get him drunk, we were just hoping he’d go to the bathroom so we could make our decision. You can’t make the Judgment of Pairs in front of them, you know?”
COVER ILLUSTRATION: Serge Rodionov