Just as we’ve all gotten “Let it Go” out of our heads, the relentless cultural coprophagia that is the internet has continued going at it with in-app purchases for “freemium” games. In a quick search on Google you can get over 400 unofficial games not by Disney. It’s the same story on the App Store trying to steal money from Disney. In-App Purchases and advertising is how money is made here. The designers seem to chase after any popular thing, but Frozen’s outside success make it a disproportionate target.

These games tend to fall into three big categories:  reskinned clones of existing games,  dress-up games, and  simulator visual novel style games. And not one of them are in any way original.

The clones are self-explanatory. Here’s Olaf Bros World. They didn’t even bother to change the enemies or alter Olaf so he looked like he was at least maybe a bit like the style of the old Super Mario games. I couldn’t help but feel that giant F in the side of that screenshot means something else to me, because this game controls like it hates me. In fact, all of these games from Juegos Frozen, from the copies of Bubble Bobble with My Little Pony, or Tetris with Minecraft, feel as though my keys are covered in molasses.

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You aren’t fooling anyone.

Dress-up games are extremely simple as well. You have a central paper doll that’s immutable, and you drag and drop stuff on top. You can do the same thing with paper dolls and enough time. You choose what dress or makeup to apply. Some of them are focused solely on dressing up the background, so you can rewallpaper Elsa’s bathroom.

There are over 80 pages of dress-up games, with 24 games on each page. Are there multiple game programmers on GirlG.com making these? Do they hire artists? I don’t know what kind of dead heart you need to do this. So many...

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There are numerous variations on them: arranging closets, reverse dress-up where you ruin an AI’s attempt to look pretty for the prom or ball or whatever, or redesigning a room. I wonder if there are people who spend time virtually redoing wallpaper without all the real world fun of spending hours at Home Depot to decide on a pattern or getting covered in paste.

The final category are the simulation visual novel style games. Visual novels are very simple interactive fiction games with static pictures and limited animations, sometimes there’s video or live action, a mixed media experience. But that implies something a lot more complicated than you get from these games. No, these are mostly doctor games with the thinnest of plot wrappers.

What about helping Princess Anna give birth? Yea, she got pregnant, probably the Reindeer herder’s kid, but where is he? At least Olaf came with us to the hospital, I guess he’s going to be the godfather. Time to help her with the ultrasound to build up her heart meter. This insipid music is not adding to my sense of excitement here!

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Is childbirth still dangerous in unclear time of imperial Nordic snow wizards and heart monitors? Regardless, epidurals are a great addition to a children’s game.

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Now the game wants me to give her some nitrous. I know nitrous is great for anal but maybe childbirth as well?

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Oh yeah, looks like that loosened her up and now I have a screaming royal baby. Sadly this isn’t a Game of Thrones game or we’d get the chance to maybe choose from a variety of ways to kill the bastard. Well, the Princess is appropriately lazy and I have to calm the damn baby down with a rattle.

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That was surreal, I hope it doesn’t get any weirder…

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Uh, spank whose butt?

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Oh god. She screamed. Fuck this…

I QUIT.