How old is Pac-Man?
35 years old
Sometimes it feels like it’s only been 35 minutes. Other times, all his life. They change the maze. But it’s still the same. Each round is the same.
Pac-Man was released on May 22nd, 1980 by the Japanese company Namco into a labyrinth of smooth, glowing walls. He kept running. Sometimes, he would lock eyes with those things, the ghosts, nearly filling the corridor, glowing in this hateful shade of red, eyes like saucers, or bright pink, right up in his face. So he kept running, kept cramming those awful cakes into his jaws to give him the energy to keep running. And then, there were the big ones. The power pellets. So soft, so moist, so good, like a star is born in the center of his chest, wherever that was. He could run forever then.
That's when he realized he could smell them. It was his turn. He would run them down and crush their necks in a single pounce. The eyes would fly away. He was God.
Fans loved him. They poured quarters into him. He kept returning to the maze, kept pounding the big power pellets. Sometimes, he would grab some fruit, but it was mostly a pellet diet.
Two years in, they introduced the Ms. It didn’t take long before they got hitched. They had a kid right away. All of these cakes, there’s something in them, a red mist, makes you feel like a God, makes you horny as fuck, emotional, like MDMA crossed with cocaine. He won’t ever know if she really loved him, but they broke up soon after Junior was born. That’s when he realized, maybe there’s something about these cakes that ain’t good for him.
He tried to do other stuff. He tried teaching. He did a sort of travel show. He even did voice acting in a sponsored cartoon. He boxed a bit. In the end though, he kept having to come back to that fucking maze.
People still seem to love it, but it gets harder each year. Most of the money he's earned, he's burned on power pellets, and physical therapy. Sure he get lots of cardio, but the occasional fruit they throw at you isn’t enough to be healthy. He can’t face the day without a power pellet. He hasn't seen the Ms. in years. He eats a power pellet, jerks off, and gets back in.